Thankful
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Zzzz
I don't know what it is but lately I've been so tired and sleepy. I'm pretty much done by 10:30 and ready to completely knock out. Last week Vanessa caught me sleeping with my eyes completely open. If that's not a cry for rest I don't know what is. She's also been physically dragging me to bed every night. Oops.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Even in death
July 2015
It came to a point where I didn't even know what to pray for. What do you ask for? Strength? Peace? Not to say that having strength during a time like this isn't realistic or desirable, but it was still unsettling. Maybe it's because sometimes I view strength as masking your emotions and pretending everything is okay. I began to pray for myself and my mom and dad. That our presence and support would be received as extension of God's love, grace and comfort. That we would be ready to serve and love our family. I also specifically prayed for myself to not be selfish with my emotions and to be present.
When we got to the CCU, my aunt went downstairs to the cafeteria to eat breakfast. My mom and I read Scripture to my uncle. Mostly Psalms. First in English, then in Chinese. We weren't sure if he could hear us, but the Word is powerful and piercing. As the day went on, my uncle's room started to get a little crowded so I went to the waiting room to get out of the way for a while.
That's where I met two asian ladies. I was sitting in the room reading my book and I recognized an old Chinese lady that I helped earlier that day. I remember I was walking past the elevator and she motioned me to come over. She said something in Mandarin and I could only recognize the word "down" and assumed she wanted to get down to the first floor, so I pressed the down button for her and continued to my destination. She looked at me from across the room and smiled. After a few minutes, she got up from her seat and sat next to me. She spoke to me in Mandarin and I tried to tell her I could only understand a little Mandarin because I spoke Cantonese. She continued talking to me but I really couldn't understand very much so I just smiled and nodded. I pointed at her visitor's wristband and managed to mumble the words "who?" in Mandarin. She was waiting for her husband. I think he was having heart surgery, if I understood correctly. She showed me pictures of her husband and her kids and her family. It was really cute. The other lady next to me also made conversation with me after she asked me for wifi help, once again in Mandarin. I've clearly learned little to nothing in my 3 years of Chinese in high school. It was really interesting talking to them (or attempting to). After about half an hour or so, the lady went to check on her husband and came back to say goodbye to us, all smiles, telling us her husband had finished his surgery. I was almost a little sad that she was leaving, but glad that her husband made it out alright.
My mom texted me around 3 and told me to come back to CCU to pray for my uncle. When I got to his bed, my aunt, mom, cousin, as well as a handful of my uncle's friends were there. As I was putting on the isolation gown, I saw the doctor talking to my aunt. Normally he would kind of address all of us, but he was only facing her. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but my aunt immediately starting breaking down and crying, my mom soon after. My dad came in to the room and my aunt, sobbing, asked him, "should we do it?" My dad's lip trembled as he said if they were ready, they can do it but if they weren't, they didn't have to. As he reached the last words of his sentence tears poured down his face and that's when I realized what was happening. My uncle was on a breathing machine as well as medication. The doctor confirmed that only his brainstem was working, and there was no higher function. My aunt needed to decide if she wanted to turn off his medication, or if she wanted to keep going. As the reality of the situation began to sink in, it was almost surreal. I've only witnessed things like this on screen, not in my own life. My aunt nodded and we all cried together. We hugged each other and held onto each other tightly as my aunt prayed out loud, crying to God, recognizing His faithfulness. Then she shut off the medication. I went on the other side of the bed and held my uncle's hand, stroking it and rubbing it, trying to let him know that we loved him and were going to be by his side. Throughout the whole time, my aunt was playing Chinese worship songs on his phone, and my mom and a friend were singing along. My aunt stroked his head and kissed him. She told him that it was okay for him to go and to relax. She thanked him for lasting as long as he did and that she knew he only wants to make them happy, and thanked him again for lasting through Monday, my cousin's birthday. One by one, my uncle's friends went up to the bed and held his hand. They cried and said their goodbyes. There were three numbers on the monitor. I watched as two of them went away and all that was left was his heart rate. It was going for longer than I thought, which was why I was a little confused at first. But I slowly watched climb down lower and lower, and it hit zero. It didn't completely register in my mind until I saw my aunt look up at the screen and cry even harder. And I knew. The breathing machine was still on. After a few minutes, we turned that off as well.
My mom stayed with my aunt to help her clean him. I didn't know what to do with myself so I went back to the waiting room. I passed by those two ladies again. They were both standing by the elevator and talking to each other, getting ready to leave. They saw me walk back to the room but I didn't say anything. One of them came in to get her things and asked me if the person I was waiting for was finished. I didn't know what to say. I said "no more" but I don't think she really understood what I was trying to say. I opened up my Bible and began flipping through passages. Psalms, Ecclesiastes, 1 Thessalonians.
There is truly no greater joy than being in Christ. It is because of the hope we have in Him that in times of death and sorrow, we can rejoice. It is not the end, but the beginning of something greater. It is a transition to eternity. The hope that we have in Christ is not something I can even put into words. The assurance, confidence, and true comfort He brings is not something to be verbalized, but experienced.
When we were playing Chinese worship songs and praying together for my uncle, a lot of his friends were there in the room as well. Not all of them are believers. I can only pray that this was a testament of our faith and of God's glory. After the funeral, my uncle's friends told my aunt that this funeral was different than others. While it was still a time of mourning, they said there was a true sense of peace and hope.
Even in death, You are glorified.
It came to a point where I didn't even know what to pray for. What do you ask for? Strength? Peace? Not to say that having strength during a time like this isn't realistic or desirable, but it was still unsettling. Maybe it's because sometimes I view strength as masking your emotions and pretending everything is okay. I began to pray for myself and my mom and dad. That our presence and support would be received as extension of God's love, grace and comfort. That we would be ready to serve and love our family. I also specifically prayed for myself to not be selfish with my emotions and to be present.
When we got to the CCU, my aunt went downstairs to the cafeteria to eat breakfast. My mom and I read Scripture to my uncle. Mostly Psalms. First in English, then in Chinese. We weren't sure if he could hear us, but the Word is powerful and piercing. As the day went on, my uncle's room started to get a little crowded so I went to the waiting room to get out of the way for a while.
That's where I met two asian ladies. I was sitting in the room reading my book and I recognized an old Chinese lady that I helped earlier that day. I remember I was walking past the elevator and she motioned me to come over. She said something in Mandarin and I could only recognize the word "down" and assumed she wanted to get down to the first floor, so I pressed the down button for her and continued to my destination. She looked at me from across the room and smiled. After a few minutes, she got up from her seat and sat next to me. She spoke to me in Mandarin and I tried to tell her I could only understand a little Mandarin because I spoke Cantonese. She continued talking to me but I really couldn't understand very much so I just smiled and nodded. I pointed at her visitor's wristband and managed to mumble the words "who?" in Mandarin. She was waiting for her husband. I think he was having heart surgery, if I understood correctly. She showed me pictures of her husband and her kids and her family. It was really cute. The other lady next to me also made conversation with me after she asked me for wifi help, once again in Mandarin. I've clearly learned little to nothing in my 3 years of Chinese in high school. It was really interesting talking to them (or attempting to). After about half an hour or so, the lady went to check on her husband and came back to say goodbye to us, all smiles, telling us her husband had finished his surgery. I was almost a little sad that she was leaving, but glad that her husband made it out alright.
My mom texted me around 3 and told me to come back to CCU to pray for my uncle. When I got to his bed, my aunt, mom, cousin, as well as a handful of my uncle's friends were there. As I was putting on the isolation gown, I saw the doctor talking to my aunt. Normally he would kind of address all of us, but he was only facing her. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but my aunt immediately starting breaking down and crying, my mom soon after. My dad came in to the room and my aunt, sobbing, asked him, "should we do it?" My dad's lip trembled as he said if they were ready, they can do it but if they weren't, they didn't have to. As he reached the last words of his sentence tears poured down his face and that's when I realized what was happening. My uncle was on a breathing machine as well as medication. The doctor confirmed that only his brainstem was working, and there was no higher function. My aunt needed to decide if she wanted to turn off his medication, or if she wanted to keep going. As the reality of the situation began to sink in, it was almost surreal. I've only witnessed things like this on screen, not in my own life. My aunt nodded and we all cried together. We hugged each other and held onto each other tightly as my aunt prayed out loud, crying to God, recognizing His faithfulness. Then she shut off the medication. I went on the other side of the bed and held my uncle's hand, stroking it and rubbing it, trying to let him know that we loved him and were going to be by his side. Throughout the whole time, my aunt was playing Chinese worship songs on his phone, and my mom and a friend were singing along. My aunt stroked his head and kissed him. She told him that it was okay for him to go and to relax. She thanked him for lasting as long as he did and that she knew he only wants to make them happy, and thanked him again for lasting through Monday, my cousin's birthday. One by one, my uncle's friends went up to the bed and held his hand. They cried and said their goodbyes. There were three numbers on the monitor. I watched as two of them went away and all that was left was his heart rate. It was going for longer than I thought, which was why I was a little confused at first. But I slowly watched climb down lower and lower, and it hit zero. It didn't completely register in my mind until I saw my aunt look up at the screen and cry even harder. And I knew. The breathing machine was still on. After a few minutes, we turned that off as well.
My mom stayed with my aunt to help her clean him. I didn't know what to do with myself so I went back to the waiting room. I passed by those two ladies again. They were both standing by the elevator and talking to each other, getting ready to leave. They saw me walk back to the room but I didn't say anything. One of them came in to get her things and asked me if the person I was waiting for was finished. I didn't know what to say. I said "no more" but I don't think she really understood what I was trying to say. I opened up my Bible and began flipping through passages. Psalms, Ecclesiastes, 1 Thessalonians.
There is truly no greater joy than being in Christ. It is because of the hope we have in Him that in times of death and sorrow, we can rejoice. It is not the end, but the beginning of something greater. It is a transition to eternity. The hope that we have in Christ is not something I can even put into words. The assurance, confidence, and true comfort He brings is not something to be verbalized, but experienced.
When we were playing Chinese worship songs and praying together for my uncle, a lot of his friends were there in the room as well. Not all of them are believers. I can only pray that this was a testament of our faith and of God's glory. After the funeral, my uncle's friends told my aunt that this funeral was different than others. While it was still a time of mourning, they said there was a true sense of peace and hope.
Even in death, You are glorified.
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